Sunny Sunny Sunshine

Happy Sunny Sunshines in My Life

I do not like yellow. Nor do I like white, pink, nor any other really bright colors. Some of this has to do with vision; some has to do with opinion. For example I do not like brown either- but that is more due to personal preferences. It does not offend me; I’ve just never cared for it. Wood or wood grain is fine but you’ll never find me wearing brown pants. Or wearing brown eyeliner for that matter.

As a result of the childhood cancer in my eyes (and the treatment I underwent to survive that cancer) I am sensitive to light.  My eyes take a bit longer to adjust to changes in light. If it’s really bright out I’ll look down or away from the sun. I work to not squint on sunny days. (I live in the south and we get a whole lot of bright sunny days down here.) I’m also rocking only one good eye. My left eye is there for peripheral vision purposes- lets me know if I’m gonna run into something on my left side. My visual focus is on the right side. My right eye has to work double time and gets doubly pissed when it is too bright out. But even if a bit slowly, my eye does adjust and I make do.

My favorite color is the opposite of bright yellow sunshine: Purple. Right now I’m wearing a purple shirt at work, my mouse pad is purple, my computer is themed purple. If you stop and ask a random friend they’d tell you I’m a purple girl. My husband keeps mentioning that I should paint my now blue Camaro purple when we get that paint job in the near future. Purple. Purple. Purple. My hair would be purple if I could get away with it. I do have purple eyeliner and purple pants.

I wanted to write about three instances of sunshine in my life. In general I’m more partial to dark colors. Give me purple, black, blue, burnt orange, burgundy, sea blue-green. Soft colors; dark colors. Pink, yellow, bright greens, off white, white. Those colors annoy me to no end. Don’t like ‘em. No siree. (Not to say that I eradicated all instances of these colors from my life- I’m just saying I don’t prefer them and that has reflected in my house, life, clothes, purchases, etc.)

First Sun: The dreamer.

The first time sunshine pushed itself into my memories (other than outside and in the sky) is from the cancer treatment I had when I was a child. I underwent radiation treatment as St. Jude’s in Memphis in the early 80’s. I remember bits and pieces of it. I loved those people there. They got rid of my cancer and saved some of my vision. I can say nothing bad about them. I can say that 80’s medical equipment was huge and scary looking to a little kid. And since I had cancer in my eyes all of the machines, medicines, and doctors focused on my little head. (Also scary!)

Most of the surgery procedures were done when I was really small. Many of my memories come from the visits I made every twice a year for my whole life up until I was 22.  Those consisted of a checkup routine where the scariest machines were CAT scans, MRI’s and such. Still scary, but not as scary as radiation therapy or x-ray therapy or liquid nitrogen therapy. I’ve been told that I have met my maximum amount of x-ray exposure. I wish St. Jude’s could give me a card to show the people in the airport- but that’s another matter altogether. Sunshine, I was talking about sunshine.

I remember the rooms I would be taken to. I can’t tell you which machine did what but I remember the small rolling beds, I remember the big scary machines and I remember being left alone as the staff went into another room to control the machines they pointed at me. On some occasions when they knocked me out to work on my eyes the doctors would hover over my head. They would use bright lights aimed at my eyes. Sometimes they would need me awake, sometimes not. On this occasion that I recall, I was knocked out. (No clue how deeply I was under but I was out.) I had this vivid dream. It was a dream playing in my head. It reoccurred over the years, sometimes it would just last for a moment. It’s an image burned into my head though it grows fainter over the years. There’s not a lot to it. But it’s one of those things you come to understand more with age. When the cancer treatment was going on I was tiny- as a kid, teen and now adult I can look back and understand some things in a different light.

The reoccurring dream was very simple. There was a sun- smiling. Occasionally I give him arms in my dream. Sometimes not. But he’s bouncing along cartoon style on a brick wall. Just moving forward like some scrolling image. The sun never got to any final destination. He didn’t bounce the same height or or move at the same speed all the time. The only indication that he was travelling forward was the simplistic trees that passed by behind the brick wall. The sky was light blue, the bricks red and the sun a few shades of yellows. He was happy and whistling as he hopped along his path like a cat prancing atop a fence.

As a kid when the dream came back I didn’t know what it was from at first. Later, probably after a visit to St. Jude’s, I realized that the “sun” was the lights the doctors were shining in my eyes as they worked on me. I guess the smile on the sun’s face came from the drugs. Haha! I guess that’s a realization I had in my teens.  Here’s a fancy Paint rendering of the dream. (Minus the motion.) Nothing more, nothing less. I don’t know what it signifies but it’s an image that will remain in my head forever I think. It is simple, but ingrained in my head. The sun I dream:

 Second Sun: The one I paint.

The second instance of sunshine invading my life (despite my despising yellow) comes from a hobby of mine. Ever since I was 18, I’ve been involved in some sense with the SCA (Society for Creative Anachronism. No time to explain it here. Google it.) The SCA basically is involved with recreating aspects of life in olden days. (Think of the time between the Fall of Rome to the Renaissance.) Anyway I’m part of a household- group of people who chose to camp, cook, study, work, fight and so on together. Great friends, good times. Our household device (logo) has a Sun of Splendor (a sun with many wavy rays around it) with a hand in the middle- blackened against the brightness of the sun.

Again, there is that bright sun with the many rays. Instead of a face this time we have a hand. And instead of brick walls and bright blue skies there is a background of Ox Blood red. (Similar to brick though.)

Over the past few years I have painted this design a gazillion times. I’ve made numerous household favors. Painted flags, put the design on clothes, cheese boxes, small trinket boxes and other random items. This means I’ve bought a lot of yellow paint, thread and fabric.  Again I don’t like yellow or bright suns, but here is this symbol in my life that reminds me of all the people I enjoy spending time with. Good associations.  Good times. The sun I paint:

Third Sun: The Sun I Serve.

Finally, to end my theme of sunshine, there is my career. For a paycheck, I help persons with visual impairments learn skills to become independent in life, work and in their community. I can’t say too much more because HIPPA, HIPPA, HIPPA. (Which is so important.) But the point I’m trying to reach is that my office’s logo is also a sun. I’ve been here 8 years. I imagine I’ll be here a little while longer.

That means I’m stuck with a sun for my company logo. Our sun has many rays- like the one dancing along in my dreams of yore and the sun of splendor in the household device. The company logo sun has shades on and a big ol’ smile. I just bought two company shirts with that sunshine logo on it. So I guess I’ll even be wearing the sun soon. (The actual shirts are teal and purple- not yellow or pink or white! We got to choose thankfully!)

Here’s a crappy rendition of our logo to finish this post up:

Disclaimer: I love being outside. I love going to the beach, I love playing in the trees, in the creek, in my backyard with my husband and pup. So there is a love-hate thing going on with me and the sun. I don’t care for the unrelenting Mississippi heat sometimes, I don’t care for the intolerable light it shines on me some days. I don’t like bright colors. But I need the sun to enjoy the beach. I rely on the sun to tell me when is a good time to toss off the T-tops in the Camaro.

So some days the sun can jump off a cliff in my opinion. But I need it too. The Goth vs Hippy in me will battle this out my whole life I imagine. If only it were a little less bright? Or not yellow? I don’t like yellow. Purple Sun…. That’s what we need. But the end point to this little ditty about the sunshines in my life I wrote because Erin’s don’t like brightly colored things and these are three repeating instances that are in my mind and thoughts.